Category Archives: Essays

Dispatch x008: The Problem of Inconsistency

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I drew a decent head in third-quarter view.

What started out as a simple eye warm-up became a bust figure with “The Last Airbender” scalp and sideburn tattoos. The hardest part of drawing this viewpoint is getting the eye proportions correct. I did a good job.

I was happy I sat down to draw, yet I felt unsatisfied altogether.

I had similar feelings on my latest drawings and all my warm-up illustrations. I was too busy questioning my work. How much easier would my approach to drawing eyes be if I had drawn more? Would I have just drawn a head or the whole body? Would my speed be faster? I focused on what could’ve been. Every question was fixated on the past, so I couldn’t enjoy the moment. Old mistakes are hindering new possibilities.

Inconsistency stunts growth. And regret is creating the same effect. I’m fortunate I have not lost my ability to draw and be creative. But the internal pressure makes drawing difficult.

This problem will never go away. Removing the pressure by not drawing only invites a stronger emotion, leading to the same dread.

However, a solution came to mind while drawing. Guilt and regret are a part of the process. Working despite their presence creates an antidote. I was never finding the cure from withdrawing; otherwise, my professional outlook would be different and better. Drawing despite those feelings removes them. I have to accept that to draw again.

If I had drawn often in my earlier work years, I would have realized this sooner. Lessons are more instilled when you’re in the practice of your profession or hobby. I don’t regret the knowledge I’ve collected over the years by consuming art; however, real progress could have been made if I drew more.

I still carry the weight of my past mistakes with me. Their values ebb and flow. This drawing didn’t happen by figuring out how to overcome those feelings. I drew and answers came later. Not enough to eliminate this long-standing block. But enough to get closer to a solution and enough to relive something I once enjoyed.

Dispatch x006: Feeling Disturbed, Dread and Anxiety is a Great Visual Pleasure

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I love his work this much!

I got into Junji Ito while trying to find comic book stories outside The Hero’s Journey archetype. This was the same time I came across this YouTube video critique of his work. My interest grew from watching panel-to-panel videos of his most popular stories to buying every book I came across at the nearest Books-a-Million.

My strongest attraction to Junji Ito’s work is the mood—the dread felt from the hopeless protagonist and the unescapable nightmares of the world Ito created. The uncomfortable feeling while reading them, and after I was done. They had definite ends but without full understandings or explanations.

It was an immediate hook!

Profile Pictures inspired by Tomie**

This is the first time I tried to make a self-portrait of myself inspired by Junji Ito’s work. Scanning this somehow cropped the edges. But most of the drawing is there. As much as I draw myself, it can still take me several tries to get my face shape right. I sure weight fluctuation is the problem

This illustration is based on the short story, Painter, a part of his collection of stories under Tomie. The Tomie series is not my favorite, but it’s his most known work. Painter tells a story of a famous painter, Mitsuo Mori, and his encounter with Tomie.

This next illustration is based on Ito’s short story, The Scar. It’s within the collection of stories in his book, Uzumaki.

Choosing the right posture took time. I was going for the exact pose of the original image. I ended up disliking how close the shot was to the face. I redrew the camera angle further to show shoulders, but accidently warped the illustration. Unintendedly slanted. I’m sure it was from bad sitting posture.

I sat on this illustration for several weeks months until I got the courage to simply finish. I draw less details than intended on this drawing since I wanted the busy spiral background.

I love what I came up with, yet it wasn’t as well received online as the first.

The similarities in both stories are of madness that comes with an unhealthy obsession. Azami becomes hellbent on making Shuichi fall for her the same way every other man in her life has. And the obsession sucks the life out of her as much as the scar on her face does visually. All it took for Mitsuo obsession to crack was doubt of his talent from a random woman with mesmerizing beauty. Even when he changed his entire style and muse to capture her beauty on canvas, it didn’t please Tomie. Not receiving her approval drove Mitsuo to so much anger he killed and mutilated her. But her death didn’t sober him. He hallucinated Tomie’s body parts re-growing to more versions of herself. He drove himself to a slow death watching them.

PLEASE DON’T READ JUNJI ITO STORIES IF THAT DESCRIPTION BOTHERS YOU! Believe me when I say the stories are more disturbing when you read it in comic book form. It gets worse most of the time.

Obsessions can go too far. The length we’ll go to obtain that desire determines the rationale of the obsession. Are we disregarding morality and livelihood to obtain it? Are we willing to do the work necessary to get it? And what level of satisfaction are you expecting when pursing it? Obsession can all start with good intentions, but not all are good.

I’m trying to obsess over my art. A little. There are stories I want to create and share. I want to use social media to archive my efforts and to grow a fanbase who would appreciate it. But I have limits. And I have backup plans in case things go south. Yet I’m willing to give it my best efforts. I can’t afford sleepless nights, but I can commit all my available time during lunch hours and outside work. I can disregard socializing for a few years until the habit is ingrained into a consistent routine.

Dispatch x004: To be One with the Spirits, in Truth, and with Failure

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These concepts were illustrated during the hype of my interest in Shaman King. I regret not dating these notes and drawings, but I’m glad I kept them.

Revisiting old art is good therapy.

The first few drawings were just an interpretation of my character in the Shaman King universe.

These are the only notes I wrote to plan out an original story. Character naming and draft writing point on make coherent an awkward documentary-style dream. I not written enough to go from; the story is fresh enough in my mind that the visuals reminded me of where I wanted the story to be about.

The most recent illustration I worked on got lost. What’s pictured above is the last illustrations I’ve done based on the three main characters. I got skin tone Copic markers and experimented with them. They may not be strong colors, but they mix extremely well.

I have other good drawings to share from the years I drew a lot. It feels odd relying on decade-old illustrations as material to share. But they’re the best options at this point. Too much time slipped away from these ideas and today. I know how stories work thanks to what I’ve learned over the years, but the experience of telling stories never developed. That was lost in the years I didn’t draw.

I see my old artwork as therapy because it reminds me of a slower point in my life. I was curious and I had time to enjoy my curiosity. But it gives me hope that my art is even greater now than in the past. I have a greater understanding of storytelling. I’m far more inclined to research and plan. I know how to think about art beyond the pure enjoyment or just itching my curiosity. The therapy also comes with knowing greater works lie ahead.

Where once time was the only barrier, effort takes its place.

Dispatch x000: The Ashes of What Could’ve Been…

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Sixteen years ago I was capable of pursuing an art career.

I landed my first job at nineteen and moved into an apartment a year later. That job covered my living expenses while having disposable income to invest in my art. My apartment was large enough to create a small but dedicated art space. Developing a fanbase with my art would take some years before my art could support me, so this beginning was perfect.

Also, I love my job. I still had the stamina to create outside of my 40-hour work week.

But what I was capable of never manifested. Many internal behaviors and habits fizzled my creative pursuits.

No execution to any goals I set for myself.

No discipline even after learning how to be a professional artist.

Doubt inspired by weeks and months I didn’t draw.

Allowing pleasures and distractions to take the fore front of my life.

The art supplies, books, recorded lectures, and notes became nothing but decoration pieces in the apartment of someone who didn’t do art.

Sixteen years can turn a beginner, no-name artist into a well known professional. A draftsman earns a Bachelor’s Degree and intern experience in half the time. To do nothing within the same period is as close to a failure as anyone can be.

The choice I made sixteen years ago gave me the life I live now. I chose to be a spectator of art when I wanted to be an artist. I chose to only consume when I found fulfillment in creating. I lax on many wonderful opportunities. I now live the results of those choices.

I chose to fail.

Dispatch 5: Progressions & Identity

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Love in Black and White (redrawn…)

In my struggles to get back into drawing, I redrew a nine-year-old illustration of two dancers. This illustration was inspired by two dance movies, Save the Last Dance directed by Thomas Carter and Shall We Dance? directed by Peter Chelsom.

To improve from the first illustration (bottom) to the newer (top) I’ve considered what I wanted the original image to express; two dancers in love. I achieve the “in love” part of the drawing with the intimate look between both characters. From there, I considered everything I’ve read about capturing motion in illustration to come up with their poses.

I thickened the outer line work with the newer illustration, but comparing it to the older one, I might’ve gone a bit too thick.

Love in Black and White (drawn…)

But I’m finished. And as much as my mind wants to focus on what doesn’t work after the fact, I do like changes made. I can go so far as to say I still enjoy looking at the original.

……….

I have an identity crisis. My life and career involves around the Hospitality Industry. I have A secured job, pretty decent savings despite a few major mistakes. I am very content and fortunate for what I have.

The problem lies in how I see myself. I’m a creative person who wants to do work that combines my love of art and math. I see myself in a career, whether side-gig or full-time, with potential. I see myself as a very frugal even though I still have bouts with wasteful spending. I see myself as organized and meticulous especially when it comes to my art and work life, yet my actions are far from it. Who I am is not how I see myself.

Being an artist is part of my identity. I started blogging because it was another method to promote my art. But when I’m not drawing – yet alone blogging about my work – I’m contradicting the identity I want to become. What am I doing wrong?